Friday, January 18, 2013

I'm baaaaaaaack!!!!

Long time, no see. It seems I have to find a way to keep this going. 

I was in a cocoon for a while. At first, it was busyness. But then, discouragement set in. Routine reared its ugly head and time was scarcer and scarcer. So I start this blog by apologizing to any of you who may have been expecting new postings, and didn't get any from me. But most of all, I want to apologize to God for hiding this, my talent. For losing sight of this specific calling He has given me.

To cut a long story short, I didn't feel worthy enough. More than anyone else, I know what the mirror shows. And I let the enemy feed me with lots of lies about myself. And the thing is, the worse you feel about yourself, the more you tend to drift away from Him. The more accused and condemned you feel, and the less you want to come back and the more you turn to the little comforts the world has to offer. Something as silly as a game on Facebook. A movie. A TV show, the news or a blog which is interesting but perhaps not THAT edifying. And you run away from the source of all true comfort. Because you expect Daddy will be so angry and will say, Oh, dear, you messed up again. And yes, I did. I basically wasted I don't know how much time which I could have used so much better, time I'll never get back. 

Friends from everywhere offered a word here and there... But when you're in that state, you hear, say, Thank you and think, That's wonderful, but not for me. Not anymore. It's too late. I've wasted my chance. Can't turn back. Not because I'm not expected, but I just don't want to turn back anymore. I'm numb. I have no feelings. I'm trapped inside nothingness. All is vanity now.

And then there are moments... Moments that for a tiny sec you feel you just might once again feel alive... Fleeting moments that pass and then you're emptier and sadder, and more hopeless than before.

There's a passage in Revelation that defines what I felt for years:

“‘I know your works. You have the reputation of being alive, but you are dead. Wake up, and strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have not found your works complete in the sight of my God.

Can anyone relate? That was me. I heard the voice and felt remorse, but not true repentance. Instead of running towards God, I kept running away.

But God is merciful. I dragged myself to church for two years, feeling nothing. Then, I left the congregation I'd attended for 5 years because our pastor was in a crisis and many people left like us. And sought another church, and found very little good food in the places I visited. Finally came back to my original place. The Lord was restoring the pastor and many of the remnant who had stayed, and was bringing some others who, like us, had left and came back. 
But nothing. Just silence.

I found some interesting and eye-opening websites and read a lot about the powers behind the media, the government and many of the institutions we revere. And was sick of it all. I began to understand just how lost this world is. And I hated the world. I began to see so much suffering all around me because some very powerful people are just too wicked and sadistic. And many people who are not so powerful are wicked and sadistic, too. There's just too much evil all around us. And the whisper inside asked, What are you doing about this? And I said, Nothing. I felt I probably should pray, but felt too weak. I offered the Lord my heart's intentions, and hoped that would do.

Well, during my holidays something started happening. And couple of weeks ago, I had a sleepless night (I've had many lately). 


So that was it. Next day, I was posting little things on Facebook. Sharing blog entries I liked, links to videos. And sure enough, the restoration came. I was alive. My dreams and hopes were alive. I have a writing dream which for me seems a total impossibility (something I've really longed to do since I was a little girl, but failed at every time since my teenage years). God knows. I cannot say it will happen. Because I don't know. But He does. And if He wants it to be... nothing can stop it. Delay it? Maybe. Delays in my ministry seem to be the rule rather than the exception. :( 

But one day, when the Lord says NOW... I'll find myself right there... Exactly where God wants me to be. Perhaps I already am. I believe this little step I'm taking today in writing this is exactly what God wanted me to share today, and this baby step takes me one step closer, just one step closer to that calling...

Knowing Jesus and making Him known.

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