Friday, October 21, 2016

An adulterous heart’s confession, part 1

I am by nature a very passionate person. I love pouring out my heart on everything I do. I hate doing things “half-heartedly”, out of habit, out of a sense of obligation, either self-imposed or as a result of external pressure.
Now, I learned a few years ago, when I began to study the Bible seriously, that the heart is deceitful, and that we should guard our heart against the desires which do not please God. I have learned that not every dream that is in my heart comes from God. And some of the dreams I have may have been given by God, but still need to be perfected. 

Just like Abraham was given a son, a son who was the son of a long-awaited promise, I have found that when that Isaac (whatever "Isaac" may mean) becomes “my beloved”, rather than Jesus being the “lover of my soul”, God begins to pull at my heart’s strings and go ascend the mount for sacrifice. Not that I have to kill my physical son or destroy my dreams literally. But I do need to surrender, whole-heartedly, to God’s will for my life, and accept whatever He decrees, even if it is painful. 

I need to say, Father, once again, I know I need to deny myself. I know I need to die to this desire, so that my heart’s desire will be You. I need to return to my First Love, Jesus. I need to “renounce all that I possess” so that I’ll truly become Your disciple. I need to abide in Your Word, in Your Truth, in Your perfect ways. I need to learn obedience, if necessary, by suffering. I need You to judge if what I feel is Yours or mine. If it’s mine, I confess that the flesh profits nothing. If it’s Yours, I still submit it fully to you, so that you’ll kill whatever is fleshly in it and bring it back to life with resurrection power.

I’ve been pondering these thoughts, and praying this way, for more than a month. There’s a very specific dream which I’m trying to discern whether it’s in the Father’s heart or not. A specific calling. But I have decided NOT to walk in that direction UNLESS the Father’s presence comes with me. I will not step out of His will or His perfect timing. I will no longer strive.

The Lord of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

I want God’s Selah more than anything. I want to rest in His perfect shabbat. In His perfect will. He is my refuge. He is the God of Jacob. Jacob, the one who got a blessing by deceitful means (as I myself, have been self-deceived and a deceiver so many times) and still, because of God’s mercy, got a revelation of God in Bethel. Jacob, the man whom God sent an angel to wrestle with, because there were so many things in his soul that needed to be dealt with. And Jacob kept fighting and fighting against God... until he understood... and then he held on to the angel for dear life and said, Bless me!

And I want to cease striving, battling against God! And to me a promise is given:

He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two.

He brings me to a point where I can just rest in Him. The war is over. He has won, and won me over. He breaks the vow and spears of my self, my own resources. He destroys my self-sufficiency, and brings me to the point of Christ-sufficiency. He burns the chariot in the fire. Indeed, His consuming fire brings to nothing all my well-thought but not God-conceived plans.

And then He tells me,
Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!

My soul is still. You are God. I am a mere mortal, but I’m learning from You! I am but a child... Simple, sometimes naïve and downright foolish. But Your wisdom astounds me! You are my wisdom. All the treasures of knowledge are found in Jesus. And I want to know Him.
As You will be exalted among the nations, You will be exalted in me. You will be exalted in this earth (my soul) the devil has ravaged so many times. I will be holy, set aside for You. I will call You my God and You will call me Your child.

A few days ago I read a blog entry which helped me confirm what God’s been speaking to my heart. Not about the dream I mention, but about my heart’s higher desire to be a wholehearted worshipper of Christ.

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